Let's Get Weird: Part 1

Recently, I made an weird (bizarre, really) discovery.

Here is a bit of background.  I’ve written a lot scifi and fantasy novels and short stories.  For my scifi, I develop a world called Zaftan 31B and a race of aliens called zaftans.  My fantasy stories are set in a country called Gundarland where dwarfs, elves, trolls and even humans romp around.  A third area I created is called Camelot and it’s quite different from the Camelot of our legends.

I set all these places in a parallel universe.  In our universe, naturally, the characters are fictitious; figments of my imagination.  However, as I’ve discovered, in the parallel universe these characters are real!  They actually exist and they're all pissed at me because of my non-fiction activities and they threaten violence unless I agree to their demands.

Generally, all the major characters (and there are dozens of them) demand new stories in which they star.

I have no news from Zaftan 31B or from Gundarland yet, but I’m sniffing around and I’ll share anything I find out.

I’ve gleaned some news about events in Camelot and here is a summary of what I've been able to discover about the Knights of the Round Table and King Artie.

The Knights are angry and it’s not smart to annoy large people who carry swords.

King Artie and his arch-enemy, the Saxon warlord Hengist, are tired of the annual stalemate.  They want a story that will settle the issue one way or another.

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KRT Inc

Sir Lancelot pounded a gauntlet on the table.  "This meetin' of the  Executive Committee for the Knights of the Round Table Incorporated will come to order."  He looked around to see if anyone had an objection yet.  When no one did, he continued, "The Sergeant-At-Arms will take the roll call and report the names of any missin' committee members?"

"Verily, Lance.  Will ya not give it up?"  Sir Gawain, the Sergeant-At-Arms replied.  "There are only eight members onna committee and there are eight people sittin' at this table."

The members sat together on one section of the huge round table, except for Sir Tristan who sat on a window ledge tuning his lyre.  All of the knights wore brightly-colored surcoats except Merlin who wore a hooded robe embroiled with astrological symbols and few food stains.

"But," Lancelot relied with one finger extended upward, "are the eight people sittin' at the table the eight members of the committee?  We need accuracy inna minutes."

Gawain signed.  "All the committee members are present and accounted for."

"Let it so be recorded in the minutes."  Lancelot was the CKO of the committee — Chief Knightly Officer.

"Before we begin," Sir Galahad said, "I'd like to say a prayer askin' the Almighty God our Father to bless our meetin' and fill us with the Holy Spirit."  Galahad was the only Christian among the knights.

"Overruled," Lancelot said.  "I'll have none of this religious nonsense at our knightly affairs.  'Tis unseemly.  Will the Sergeant-At-Arms read the minutes from the last meetin'?"

"Can't," Gawain replied.  "A goat ate 'em."

“Well done, Gawain,” Merlin said.  “The goat saved us from wasting a lot of time.”

Lancelot scowled at the wizard.  "Hmm.  We'll have to make do.  Sir Ector, give us a report on the state of the treasury, if you please."

“’Tis a sorry state, to be sure.  Since the last meetin’ we have had no revenue but our expenses continue to mount.

Sir Tristan trilled a few somber notes on his lyre and sang in a beautiful tenor voice:

“I have to say ’tis a fact

KRT inc makes no money,

’Tis only my sense of tact

That keeps me from saying, ‘This is funny’.”

"Will you stop with your wretched songs!” Lancelot snarled.

"'Tis my poet's soul, you see," Tristan said.  "It demands to be heard in song."

Merlin lit his pipe with a flame from an extended finger.  He inhaled deeply, and blew a cloud of smoke.  He shaped the cloud into a rabbit and set it hopping across the table.  When it approached Lancelot, the knight drew a dagger and slew the rabbit.

“Lancelot, the great rabbit killer, strikes again,” Sir Bors said.  “How many smoke rabbits have ye killed?  Must be a hundred, at least.”

Lancelot made a face and said, “Sir Palamedes, what you can add?"

“I’m workin’ onna new plan that's sure to bring in tidy sums."  Palamedes was the head — and only member — of the Marketing and Sales Committee.  It was generally believed that the dusky-hued Palamedes — since he was from an exotic country somewhere in Africa — must be a shrewd man when it came to money, especially since Palamedes's uncle ran a used flying carpet dealership.

“You say that all the time,” Lancelot growled, “but none of your marketin’ plans ever work.”

“And they never will,” Merlin said.

“Why not?” Bors asked.

“None of you have any idea on how to run a business or how to make money.  The KRT Inc is doomed to lose money.  Look at the so-called money-making schemes you’ve come up with.  Selling used armor as souvenirs was a bust.  So was the toy figures of knights.  And then you hired a marketing expert who ripped you off.”

The knights looked at Merlin while chewing on their lips or knuckles.

“’Tis not your fault,” Merlin continued.  “‘Tis the way that author, what’s-his-name, created you.”

Lancelot drummed his fingers on the table.  “So, we ain’t gonna make money no matter what we do.  Is that wot you’re sayin’?”

Merlin nodded.  “Not until the author changes the way he writes about the Round Table and the business.”

“But he ain’t written a new story in years,” Bors said.

“We was in what, three novels?” Gawain asked.  “In all that time, this bloody author didn’t let us make any coins.  He deserves to be flogged.”

The knights pondered the bad news.

Tristan plucked a few notes to get everyone’s attention.  “What we should do is grab this author and make him write another story in which KRT Inc brings in a ton of coins.”

The other knights and Merlin looked at Tristan with their mouths open, stunned by the enormity of his suggestion.

Gawain cleared his throat.  “How we gonna do that?”

“I don’t know, do I?” Tristan replied.  “I’m an idea guy, not a planner.”

“I think what Tristan is saying,” Merlin said, “is that you need a quest to find the author and get him to write a new story.  Mayhap, one in which you all get rich.”

“A quest, you say?” Kay said.  “I’m game.”

“We can’t go on another quest,” Galahad said.  “We ain’t found the Holy Grail yet.”

“Bugger the Grail,” Lancelot said.  “Makin’ money is more important than findin’ an old cup.”

“Blasphemy!”  Galahad was horrified.  “How will I explain this to the bishop?”

“Who cares?” Gawain said.  “Let’s do this new quest.  I’m tired of lookin’ for the Grail.”

“Wait!” Bors said.  “What’ll we do if we find the guy?  What do we do with him?”

“That’s easy,” Lancelot said.  “You hold him, at sword point if necessary, until he writes the new story and we all get rich.”

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(The KRT Inc plays a major role in Moxie’s Problem, Moxie’s Decision ad Queen Moxie.)

Next week: Sir Galahad’s Quest