FNN Report: Giuseppe Linguine's Theory on the Mysterious NJ Drones

This report was written by FNN’s crime reporter, Giuseppe Linguini.

In recent weeks, the night skies of New Jersey have been invaded by mysterious drones, sparking widespread concern and speculation among residents, officials, and experts. I’m a local commentator and a former Mafia hitman, an expert on organized crime and a member of the Witness Protection Program. My theory is this: These drones are part of a covert mafia operation.

The Drone Mystery: What We Know

The sightings began in mid-November and have since spread across New Jersey and neighboring states. Witnesses describe the drones as large—up to six feet in diameter—and highly advanced. They exhibit coordinated flight patterns, often operating with their lights off and evading detection by traditional methods such as helicopters and radio systems. Reports have ranged from dozens to over a hundred sightings per night, with concentrations near sensitive locations like the Picatinny Arsenal military base and President-elect Donald Trump's golf course in Bedminster.

Despite extensive investigations by federal agencies including the FBI, Homeland Security, and the FAA, no definitive origin or operator has been identified. Officials have suggested that some sightings may involve manned aircraft rather than drones, but this explanation has been met with skepticism from local residents and lawmakers.

Linguine's Mafia Theory

I, Giuseppe Linguine, argue that the drones are being used by organized crime syndicates for illicit purposes. I will point to several factors supporting my theory:

Covert Operations: The drones' ability to evade detection and their sophisticated coordination suggest they are not the work of amateur hobbyists or legitimate businesses. I believe this level of sophistication aligns with the resources and secrecy typical of mafia operations.

Strategic Locations: Many sightings have occurred near critical infrastructure and high-profile sites, which could indicate reconnaissance for future criminal activities or attempts to intimidate rivals.

Lack of Accountability: The absence of any identified operators or recovered drone hardware raises questions about who could sustain such an operation without leaving a trace. My assertion is that only entities with significant influence—such as organized crime groups—could achieve this level of concealment.

Authorities' Response and Public Frustration

Federal and state officials have repeatedly assured the public that there is no evidence of a threat to safety or national security. However, their inability to provide concrete answers has fueled conspiracy theories like mine. Governor Phil Murphy has called for more federal resources to address the issue, while some lawmakers have even suggested shooting down the drones to analyze them.

Public frustration is palpable. Online forums are flooded with videos and theories about the drones' origins, ranging from foreign espionage to secret government experiments. My mafia theory has found an audience among those who distrust official narratives and believe that organized crime could exploit advanced technology for nefarious purpose.

Conclusion

I’m issuing a warning to conclude my report: “The Mafia is planning something big. I wouldn’t be surprised if they seize a NJ Transit train depot and refuse to set the trains free until a huge ransom is paid to an offshore bank account. Until the ransom is paid, none of the trains will run.”