Admiral Klatze
Admiral Klatze approached the Vice-dictator’s conference room and the two guards pulled open the double doors. She slithered inside the room and stopped, shocked by what she saw.
Klatze stood a few inches shorter than than the average zaftan, had brown instead of black eyes and weighed a svelte three-hundred-seventy-five pounds. By zaftan standards, Klatze was a beauty and every male who met her, along with a number of females, lusted after her. As usual, Klatze wore a pair of ribbons tied around her eyestalks in defiance of the uniform regulations. Today, they were red.
“What is Gongeblazn doing here?” Klatze roared and pointed to a beefy male squatting at the conference table. “Why hasn’t he been executed?”
The VD clucked his beak.
“Still a bitch,” Gongeblazn sneered and lowered his eyestalks in a sign of anger..
“Gongeblazn is here because my plan needs Blackbeard the Dwarf,” the VD replied, “and he hasn’t been executed because he is too valuable to waste.”
Gongeblazn was a disgraced fleet commander who gone rogue and turned pirate. He called himself Blackbeard the Dwarf because he believed he channeled the legendary gundie dwarf pirate from hundreds of years ago. He had harbored a split personality ever since. Klatze had captured Gongeblazn/Blackbeard, tried him for piracy and condemned him to death. The VD had commuted the sentence to life in prison.
“Valuable?” Klatze sneered. “He’s the worst fleet commander in our history.”
“True,” the VD said, “ and that what makes him so valuable. Someday the government will want a project to fail and who better to make that happen than Gongeblazn? Everything he touches falls apart.”
“By the winds, lass,” Gongeblazn said in a different voice, one that was deep and powerful. “Come squat by me and we will fondle each other’s tentacles during the meetin’.”
Despite her anger at seeing Gongeblazn, Klatze had to cluck her beak at Blackbeard’s brazen comment.
Klatze was the only naval officer who didn’t get promoted through the assassination of other candidates. Her promotions were the result of her ability and talent. Ability was so rare in the navy that many thought it was a myth. The VD was one of the few who recognized Klatze’s talents and rewarded them.
“If you will take a squat, Admiral, we can begin the meeting,” the VD said. “I have an important mission to discuss that will involve you and Blackbeard. The only way I can get Blackbeard to join the mission is to have Gongeblazn on it. Therefore, I temporarily paroled him for this mission. Once the mission is completed, you will return him to the prison ship. Mark me, Klatze. I shall be very angry if Gongeblazn happens to die from an accident during the mission.”
“Aargh!” Blackbeard said. “Give me a tall ship and I’ll go anywhere ya want. I need the wind blowin’ through me eyestalks.”
Klatze squatted as far from Gongeblazn as possible.
The VD outlined the situation with the gundies, Zaftig’s failure and his disappearance.
“My new plan,” the VD continued, “calls for you, Admiral, to use Zaftig’s wormhole to enter the parallel universe where the author lives. You will find his location, hijack a passenger liner and hold it hostage until the government agrees to hand over the author. During this mission, Klatze will be in charge at all times except when the ship is spotted. Blackbeard will be in charge of the attack and hijacking of the passenger liner and will remain in charge until the exchange takes place. At that time, Klatze will resume command and will deliver the author to my office. Is this clear?”
“With a proper crew of rogues, I will terrorize that galaxy. And the author guy,” Blackbeard said. “Just say the word.”
Klatze shook her eyestalks. “How are we to find the author who is somewhere in an immense universe?”
“Zaftig knows where he is. Before he went on my mission, I had a tracking device attached to his ship and it recorded his travels. Once he returned to our universe, the device transmitted the information to my staff. You will get a copy before your ship leaves.”
“This plan is too complicated,” Gongeblazn said. “Just give me a squadron of ships and the gundies will hand over the author in no time.”
“We are not stupid,” the VD replied. “Every time you command a fleet, we lose half the ships, even in peace time. We don’t have enough ships to let you command again.”
“So,” Klatze said, “this author is a gundie?”
“According to Zaftig,” the VD said, “these people are like the gundie humans but he has never seen a dwarf or an elf or a troll there. So maybe not. Who can say? By the way, they are called Earthlings.”
❀ ❀ ❀
On board Klatze’s flagship, Bloodbath, Gongeblazn was enraged that a female officer who once served under him could command such a modern and huge ship.
Blackbeard was overjoyed that he would command the ship at least for a while.
Klatze was miffed that her ship and finely-honed crew wasted their time on such a trivial mission. She was also irate that Gongeblazn was a passenger on her ship and couldn’t be thrown overboard.
As soon as the ship left its docking platform, Blackbeard approached Klatze. “I be needin’ a bunch of buccaneers to pull off the hijackin’. Can’t do it with regular navy tars that only like to follow orders. I be needin’ some scum of the seas to make proper pirates. Sailors who live on grog and floggin’s. Got anybody on board I can borrow? Can’t promise to return ‘em ‘cause we may mutiny and take over this ship, belike.”
Klatze clacked her beak. Blackbeard amused her. He was so different from his host, Gongeblazn. “I have a company of marines on board. They’re a pretty nasty bunch. How many do you need?”
“With fifty of ‘em I can win the galaxy.”
“You can borrow twenty. And don’t be filling their heads with mutinous talk or I’ll have you flogged.”
“Arrgh. Twenty is good enough if they be right rogues. I got time to train em’ on boardin’ and hackin’. Ya got a few brace of cutlasses?”
“I think the armory has some swords we use for training. I don’t know how good they are, but they will have to do. Unless you want to stop off at some port and buy your own weapons.” Klatze knew Gongeblazn was too cheap to allow Blackbeard to spend money on swords. Gongeblazn was already upset because Blackbeard insisted on buying cartons of fireworks and several huge fake, black beards before the ship left. Blackbeard claimed the fireworks and beards were vital elements in any successful boarding.
❀ ❀ ❀
Blackbeard drilled his crew constantly. They worked on slashing and hacking, slouching, disregarding orders and practiced slovenly personal hygiene.
Once the Bloodbath passed through the wormhole, Blackbeard insisted that Klatze inspect the boarding crew. He had them lined up on the main deck in two rows where the ex-marines slouched in approved pirate imitation of standing at attention.
Klatze entered the room for her inspection, took one look at the pirates and had to turn away to keep them from seeing her clacking her beak out loud. Blackbeard had transformed the disciplined marines into the rogues he had demanded. Each pirate wore a red bandana with two holes cut for the eyestalks. Each had a sword supported by a red sash hung from his neck. The pirates chatted and moved around while at attention in violation of naval regulations. Klatze wondered if the marines had been ruined for future duties.
Klatze passed in review of the pirates and was shocked when a few of the more brazen ones actually winked at her. Another burped in her face.
“Arrgh!” Blackbeard roared when she finished. “As fine a crew of misfits as I ever captained. Still, we be missin’ some details.”
“Like what?” Klatze asked.
“There be no peg-legs. Or peg-tentacles in this case. An authentic pirate crew always has a peg-leg or two. And a parrot. We be missin’ a parrot. And the grog ain’t authentic ’cause it be missin’ rum. Could not find any rum inna port where I got the other stuff.”
“Just as well,” Klatze replied. “Gongeblazn would not be happy with a bigger bill for your supplies.”
“Bugger Gongeblazn. Would ye like to see me rouges dance a few reels. I got an electronic piper.”
“No thank you. I have seen enough to know you have ruined my marines.”
❀ ❀ ❀
Two days after passing through the wormhole, an announcement electrified the crew. “Bridge. Sensor room. We have a contact. It is quite small. Tiny almost.”
“Change course,” Klatze ordered. “Come to the bearing of the contact.”
Blackbeard reacted by slithering around the control room and slapping his tentacles together. “Hoist the mainsail. Set the jib. All hands on deck. Man the guns.” He turned to an orderly. “Fetch me fireworks and me beard.” While he waited for the orderly’s return, Blackbeard donned a red bandana and sash. He loosened up by swishing his cutlass around, almost de-tentacling one of the crew members.
Klatze watched in amusement when the orderly returned. Blackbeard showed the orderly how to paste the beard onto his face and how to tie fireworks into it.
Blackbeard ordered his marines to form up and prepare to board the ship. “Lootin’ is permitted, but no killin’,” he said. “The passengers be hostages.”
Meanwhile, Klatze watched the contact draw closer. She saw the ship was indeed tiny. If the ship had Earthlings as passengers, they must be lawfully cramped, she thought.
Blackbeard assembled his rogues by the entry port. He was miffed because Klatze refused to allow him to fire a warning shop at the target.
When the ships grew close, Blackbeard turned to the orderly, and said, “Light me up.”
The orderly struck a match and lit up the fireworks. Blue smoke enveloped his head as he leaned against the portal, awaiting the ships to come together.
“Admiral!” a sailor called out. “The target is hailing us and they do not look like Earthlings.”
Klatze glanced at the screen with the incoming visual signal. “Break off boarding! Stand off from the target.”
“Me fireworks are about to go off,” Blackbeard roared. “Close the gap so I can board.”
Klatze ignored Blackbeard and announced her name and rank to the bug-like creature on the viewing screen.
“I am Captain Scrzzin,” the bug replied. “I am from the Cockroach Empire and you interfere with my ship at your peril. The Chief Bug himself will hear of this violation of our territory.”
Both parties used translator software to communicate.
“Be warned,” Scrzzin continued, “that we have many more ships in the area and we will not hesitate to defend ourselves if you do not move away from my ship.”
“My apologies,” Klatze replied. “We mistook you for an Earthling ship.”
“Do you seriously expect me to believe that nonsense? What are you doing in Empire space and where did you come from?”
Klatze’s eyeballs swiveled between the view screen and the main deck where Blackbeard’s fireworks began to go off. She realized something was very wrong. Why didn’t the cockroach believe her statement about an Earthling ship? Why didn’t the vice-dictator’s intelligence mention the Cockroach Empire? It was against zaftan naval policy to offer an apology to other race no matter how series the transgression was, but she knew her actions could start a war. A war with an unknown foe. To her knowledge the zaftans had never heard of the this empire and therefore did not know how strong they were or even where the empire was located.
Roman candles fired green and red fireballs that bounced off the ceiling and walls of the main cabin. Blackbeard’s marines slithered, ducked and jumped to evade the swooshing missiles. Cherry bombs exploded in Blackbeard’s beard setting him roaring in pain and anger.
“Our mission is with the Earthlings, not the Cockroaches,” she said. “We simply assumed any ship in the area must be an Earthling one. We plan to capture a passenger ship and hold it hostage until our demands are met.”
“You are either a liar or stupid. The Earthlings don’t have ships. They only have primitive rockets. So tell me. Are you a liar or stupid?”
Klatze wished Blackbeard would stop slithering around and shouting about a mutiny.
“The Earthlings are ours!” Scrizzin continued. “Your interference with our sphere of influence will not be tolerated. Whatever your issue with the Earthlings is, it must be dismissed.”
Klatze knew she had to get her Bloodbath out of the area before it was involved with hostile forces who may decide she was an Earthling ally. And why had she been ordered to capture a non-existent passenger ship? Was the VD’s intelligence that mis-guided?
“Be at ease, Captain,” Klatze said. “We will withdraw immediately.”
The Bloodbath pulled away from the cockroach ship. Gradually, the smoke in the main cabin cleared and Blackbeard’s roaring diminished.
❀ ❀ ❀
On the return trip, Klatze and Blackbeard debated who would tell the Vice-dictator that his intelligence was woefully inadequate. They decided Gongeblazn would do it since he already had a death sentence hanging over his head. To lessen Gongeblazn’s peril, he would tell the VD by a long distance video call.
Author’s Note: Klatze, Gongeblazn, Blackbeard and the Vice-dictator and many more bizarre characters can be found in the Zaftan Troubles, a series of seven novels.
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